Beauty in the Brokenness
A post about a broken woman who found hope in the scars.
I was recently reading a wonderful fiction book about a protagonist who survives witnessing her parent’s deaths, as well as her own torture, rape, murder attempt, and countless forms of abuse. All of the terrible things she endured left her with deep physical scaring throughout her entire body. She begins to believe she is unlovable and ugly, so she closes herself up and covers her face and all of her skin. Then, a man comes along who tells her she is, in fact, quite beautiful. At first, she is hesitant to believe his words, but eventually she realizes he speaks the truth. She decides to stop hiding her scars and begins to realize the beauty they truly represent. They were actually a testament to her strength, endurance, and spirit of will. All of this would not have been evident to the people around her if she had remained covered and hidden.
In reading this book, I was struck with a thought, what if all of our experiences were manifested on the outside of our bodies? I’m not really sure why my brain went there, but it certainly made me pause for a moment. I have lived through a lot of pain in this life. Endured countless broken hearts, survived abuse, overcame many personal demons, and rose from the ashes of complete destruction. Yet there is no evidence of those experiences manifested on my body. I cannot even imagine what I would look like if they existed in the physical realm.
What about my own mistakes and poor life choices? I seem to have an aversion to self-forgiveness. Perhaps I am worried that if I forgive myself, I would be destined to repeat those same mistakes in the future. Maybe I don’t allow myself to forget because I am the only one who can pay homage to the people I left in my wake. Whatever it is, it can feel terrifying and leave me frozen in fear. It’s interesting because I don’t think many people in my life realize this about me. I, like most everyone, do a very good job of keeping parts of myself buried or obscure. My friends would describe me as a goofball and my family would say I am the life of the party. Neither description fits me perfectly. Just like my protagonist, I keep parts of myself hidden from view; parts I have deemed ugly, unworthy, broken, cruel, unkind, and untrustworthy.
What would it be like to be truly known? I know my God sees all of those broken places and loves me anyway, but what about the people in my world? What if they were able to see all of my imperfections and the things I have lived through? I have a lot of physical scars and they are a roadmap of my life experiences. They each have a story and a history. They don’t really bother me anymore. This brings me back to that thought though, what if all of our experiences were manifested outside of our bodies? I’m not sure there would be even a scintilla of unmarred skin left on me and maybe that would be sort of beautiful. I see my clients like this, not physically scarred, but emotionally scarred. I try to be the mirror that helps them see the beauty in all of their experiences and broken places. I try to provide them with that unconditional acceptance that we all so desperately crave. My hope is that one day, they will proudly uncover those scars and show the world all that they have conquered. Show the world that they are not victims, but survivors, just like me.