After I sit and reflect on all of these feelings, I usually end up giving shame the spotlight. I feel ashamed for being disconnected from my emotions. I feel shame for being capable of helping others to heal, but lacking the ability to heal myself.  I then proceed to go down the inevitable rabbit-hole of shame, fear, frustration, and anger until I hit bottom. Am I the only one who ends up all the way down here?

What a shame.

When I feel disconnected and numb on a personal level, it can be so hard to hold the energy it takes to even have a conversation with my husband.  The poor man just wants some attention. He has had a long day of slaying dragons, but his wife has been slaying her own dragons and she simply doesn’t have anything left to give.

What a shame.

I try to give my clients 110% of my energy and attention.  For some reason, counseling my clients does not drain me of energy, but rather infuses me with it.  I often think about the dichotomy between personal relationships and the counseling relationship. One feels so taxing, while the other fills my cup. Why is it that the people I love most in the world (hubby & son) are often the people I struggle the most to connect with on a daily basis?  It is not for a lack of love or interest.  Maybe it is because they are both a reflection of me.  When I am forced to see myself through my family’s eyes, sometimes the picture isn’t pretty.  I have no trouble extending grace to everyone around me, but if you ask me to forgive myself, that is an entirely different story.

What a shame. 

I often teach my clients to “get in touch” with their feelings. I attempt to create a safe space where they are able to practice holding their own emotions. This seems quite simple from the outside looking in, but in reality, it is a difficult and complex process. Difficult because emotions can be incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention downright scary. Complex because emotions are not just a simple label,   but an entire web of sensations, feelings, shifts, memories, and neural connections.  For example, when shame creeps up and shows its ugly face, I often begin to feel anger.  I may notice physical changes, such as an increase in my heart rate, sweaty palms, and flushed skin. I may go from feeling physically weak to incredibly strong.  I may recall a memory where I lost control when I was angry. Then, all of the sudden, my sensations are highjacked and before I know it, I am afraid.  This fear leads me to a total loss of control, which leads me right back to, you guessed it, SHAME. I cannot seem to outrun or outthink this beast of a burden.

What a shame.

Maybe it isn’t about outrunning shame, but about gaining mastery over it instead. Learning to channel all of my negative self-talk into positive self-talk. Beginning to lift myself up when I feel beaten down. Realizing I possess all of the necessary tools to change my own thinking, thus changing my emotional responses. The human brain is an incredibly complex and ever-changing organ. It has the ability to rewire and create completely new pathways. In other words, I don’t have to be a slave to my previous patterns of behavior. I can choose new responses, new memories, new sensations, and new emotions, making all of my neurons simultaneously fire together. Neurons that fire together, wire together.  I get to be master of my own destiny and you have the ability to do the exact same thing.

No more shame!